not completely inhospitable...

The last part of last week and the first part of this week was spent trying to find a doctor that would answer the phone or call me back. I finally found one that actually answered the phone Monday afternoon and they gave me an appointment yesterday afternoon.

Yesterday's appointment was all the initial stuff... 'This is our lovely office; This is what we expect of you; This is what you can expect of us'... plus the examination (not fun). Doug was with me and he made it funny and kept me from getting stressed out. It really is not possible to be stressed when your goofy husband is constantly making crude jokes about the stirrups and ob/gyn tools lying around the office. Everything was fine, but due to my history (10 pregnancies and only one real live baby) they decided to go ahead and schedule a sonogram and set me up with the high-risk specialists right away.

Today was the sonogram. I was so nervous. I have been through many, many, many sonograms. When I was pregnant with Leigh they did sonograms twice a week through much of the pregnancy, so I knew the protocol. However, after waiting in our little room for 45 minutes a doctor finally came in and told us that the sonogram person (have no idea the actual title, sorry) was stuck in California because she missed her flight. Now, of couse, my first thought was 'It would've been nice to have been told this 45 minutes ago' and my second thought was 'I have to wait longer to find out if I am actually going to have a baby' (or if it's just another empty sack). The doctor was awesome, though. After we explained clearly why it was that the yesterday's doctor had insisted that we get a sonogram right away, she decided to do the sonogram herself.

Early pregnancy sonograms are not fun. It's not just the weird blue stuff on the belly and the little wand that tickles as the tech slides all around. Nope... they actually have to go IN for the sonogram and as excited as I was to actually find something out, I still dreaded it. Luckily, the Doc tried the over the belly type first. We could clearly see the sack, but nothing inside it. Besides that, the sack looked much smaller than what is expected at 8 weeks (I even recognized that...). She then decided she had to do the other kind of sonogram. It seemed to last forever and the whole time I kept watching the screen for the heartbeat and I saw nothing. Finally, there was a little some thing... A little dot, a little mass, right in the middle. Still not what I was expecting, but at least it was something. Then the Doc told us 'You are not 8 weeks, you're only about 5 weeks pregnant. It is not possible to see the heartbeat yet, but there is definitely an embryo growing'.

I wanted to dance around the office singing 'I Feel Pretty' (I don't know why, that's just the song that came to mind). Doug was grinning from ear to ear. It was a really sweet moment.

This whole thing is so unexpected. Doug and I haven't tried to have a baby for over 4years, but we have never taken any real precautions to prevent it (I know, TMI!!!). Never in all that time did I get pregnant. I had started to think that I was infertile on top of my normal inhospitability to embryos(or is it inhospitableness???). I was okay with this.

Doug and I, now, are excited but cautious. There is still a big chance that we will not have a baby at the end of the year, but there is hope. Hope that wasn't there before, because we are still not financially ready to begin the adoption process again.

We will tell the girls once we see a heartbeat. I want, so much, to tell them now, but the idea of having a miscarriage conversation with them makes my stomach turn (especially with Meron, she's been through enough). I can't wait to see their faces. They both adore babies, but I worry a bit about what Meron will think. She knows that Leigh grew in my tummy and she grew in her Ethiopian Mommy's tummy. I hope this doesn't make her feel excluded. I guess we will cross that bridge when the time comes, but if anyone has any ideas on this, I am open. :)