... but somehow verging on both... simultaneously.
Just got back from another trip to the hospital. This trip I really thought I was going to be having a baby. I have been having contractions around 10 mins apart since Wednesday (4 Flippin' Days!) with very little break. There has been an hour or two here or there when the contractions stopped, but they always came back... sometime with a vengance.
Tonight, there was a change. Around 9 pm the contractions started coming much closer together, 3-5 mins apart and I thought for sure this was it...
- called the doctor
- Doug drove me to the hospital
- peed in a cup
- my cervix was checked (no change)
- they started IV fluids
then the contractions stopped. Just stopped.
This is tough, because I really don't want to have Ben this early, but I have to admit that I am just exhausted both mentally and physically. It's been days since I have had more than a few hours of sleep... normally, this would not be a problem, but my pregnant body is not dealing with it very well.
Also, I am completely dependent on someone else; and have been for over a month. I hate it. I haven't had to depend on someone else like this since I was a child and it beyond sucks. I can't stand having to wait to do something (anything) because it doesn't fall in line with someone else's plans. I despise feeling like I can make absolutely no decisions about schedules or, well, anything really because I must depend on someone else to follow through with those schedules. I can't blame Doug, really... he is trying, but to look at it all from his point of view... is he really supposed to stop what he is doing to be at my beck and call? No... but it sucks... really, really sucks (I would like to use a different word to describe my perceived suckiness of my situation, but I lack the ability to do so at the moment). Yes, I openly admit that I am a control freak who has lost pretty much all control in life, at least temporarily. To all of my independent Type A Sisters out there, please keep me in your thoughts...
I think I have lost me sense of humor about this situation and will be working to get it back... I have contol over that, right... my own sense of humor?
Staying Centered at Christmas
7 years ago
4 comments:
oh goodness dear. I too hope Ben comes out "fully cooked" but also hope that is SOON SOON SOON. I cannot believe all you've been through...with grace and understanding. I could NEVER do it.
As far as control goes. I'm type A++, but lost so much control when (a) in ETH for a month and (b) now home w/ Sammy. I'm at HIS beck & call. It is exhausting but so worth it. Just remember that Doug likely doesn't mind it at all, and is happy to help you and Ben out. You are carrying this baby, and going through so much mentally and physically. So Doug has had NO control. But now he must feel like he's actually being OF USE.
I have no words of wisdom, as I've never been PG. But I admire the hell outta you girl. I really do.
I can only imagine your frustration. I hope Ben arrives when he's healthy enough to thrive in the outside world, but soon enough that you don't go crazy!
From one type A to another: yes! You are in my thoughts! I hope things get better fast, whatever that may look like. With a good night's sleep, for starters...
I've been checking your damn blog/facebook every few hours for the last couple of days. I've been keeping you in my thoughts. Frankly, I've felt ill for you (specifically, your loss of control) when I heard you had to take it easy because of the complications. I can't imagine having to trust others to do everything. (Seriously-I'm with you there.)
I hope you find your sense of humor because, well, that's going to help you a lot more than anything else right now. I've been hoping that this is your difficulty with Ben. A hard pregnancy/delivery and no other difficulties...ever (not even with his future wife, your daughter-in-law).
Many of us are pulling for you and I'll take a little extra control today just to make up for your loss of it.
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